Over these seven months I've been highlighting nothing but the best of an exchange year. However, like any exchange student I've talked to, I have had problems. Sometimes, I feel exchange programs aren't completely honest with future exchange students when it comes to these problems: I've often heard volunteers pigeonhole exchange students, rolling their eyes at mistakes or weaknesses of "bad" exchange students. Problems just arise for some exchange students regardless of how hard they try to be a good exchange student. They certainly did for me:
A few months ago I changed host families, ending a long string of unfortunate events: I broke up with my boyfriend, had a friend in the US die, got horrible, month-long insomnia and food poisoning out the wazoo, and lost a disturbing amount of weight. A lot of this was linked to or made worse by my mismatched placement. They were nice, but too busy and too shy. When I was homesick or grieving, they didn't really know what to do. We ended up with communication issues, I didn't feel like part of the family, but most of all I didn't feel like I was learning. Anyway, I'd like to give some advice about how to avoid problems like mine:
Understand the nature of the relationship: A host family is most like a dating relationship
1. You can't get rid of your real family, but you can break up with your host family. It may sound bad, but when you are in a bad host family you can and should get out of it for the sake of your experience. Don't worry about too much about offending them, just treat them as you would a boyfriend or girlfriend that just isn't right for you.
2. You didn't grow up with yout host fanily, you have to learn to bond with them, just like a boyfriend/girlfriend. If you don't find anything in common, you will just have to break up. It reminds me of a stereotypical reason to end a dating relationship: We just didn't have much in common.
3. Don't treat your host family like your roommates; roommates are friends, but host families and boyfriends/girlfriends are more. As a result, both host family relationships and dating relationships require a lot more effort than roommate relationships.
As a result, a the ideal relationship with a host family should follow a similar pattern: intrigue (usually when you first read about your placement) romance (when you first arrive until about 1 to 3 months in. Both parties exchange gifts and are on their best behavior for the other because they want to get along. Hopefully, a little bonding occurs) problems (around one to three months you start noticing annoying things) solutions after working through what issues you have, you get to know your host family better and vise versa. You have bonded completely, congrats on your new family).Unfortunately, mine didn't quite go that way: the intrigue and the problems were there, but the romance was pained and the solutions never really worked.
Exchange Students
1. When your exchange program interviews you, mention that you would like to be placed in a family thats not too busy and would like to travel/sightsee with you. Why? A busy family won't have the time to talk with you and teach you about their culture. You'll find yourself alone, waiting for someone to get home, but ultimately resorting to reading, watching TV or going on Facebook. However, a family that really wants to take you travelling/sightseeing is one that will make time to teach you about the country, and in a hands-on way. For me (and I think a lot of other people), homesickness comes from boredom, so how can you get too homesick if you are zipping through your host country? A family like this is especially good for a program like AFS that doesn't plan much travelling. Not to mention, long road trips are a great way to bond, swap stories, make up songs, and laugh at the dog riding a motorcycle you passed a few minutes ago. (ok well the last one might only apply to Indonesia haha)
2. Spend as little time in your room as possible. While I disagree with AFS's guidelines on the computer (an hour a week) because most exchange students have important things to do on the computer (including socializing and planning with students in your host country), I still think its important to not ignore your host family. You should take all activities (including computer work) to the living room.
3. Skype your home country when your host family is asleep but please don't wake them up. Because Skype is private, make sure you go on at a time that you aren't ignoring your family. I wake up at 4 am to Skype the US...my American friends now have some not-too-flattering, half-asleep Skype screen shots of me, but its worth it if its means I'm not ditching my host family during our weekly Glee-watching session.
4. Tell your family about everything you are doing. If you are reading a book, tell them about it. If you are crocheting a blanket, tell them about it. If you have crouching-over diarrhea and food poisoning, tell them about it (hopefully they won't feed you charcoal pills like they did me haha). Its a great way for your host family to get to know you when you may not have much in common at first. This is also a good way to use Facebook to your advantage--show them pictures of your home country and compare. Afraid to use your native language, but still don't know what to say in your host language? Just ask what the thing you are doing is called in your host language. For example, next time you are out and about and get food poisoning, ask your family "How do I say 'I think I have Salmonella and need to find a bathroom now' in your language?" It's certainly a conversation starter.
5. Thoroughly research exchange programs before choosing one. Stalk a returnee! Its easy to find former exchange students via facebook (just go to any program's facebook page and see who joined), and most will be willing to add you if you send them a message explaining that you are planning on studying abroad. Ask them about how their chapter runs, any problems they ran into, how their program handled it, and any else unique to their program. Be aware that in some programs you stay with one family for a year (AFS) and in some you change families (rotary club). Get information to decide which is best for you. You'll find a lot of strange information out this way that you won't through the program, like that Rotary Club Indonesia doesn't really check out their host families before placing students, that AFS Bandung is run by busy college students or that AFS Japan is very strict. Not to mention, you'll make friends worldwide who might let you crash with them if you ever travel to their home country.
Host families
1. Take your exchange student everywhere. take them travelling, take them around town, take them grocery shopping, take them to work (don't take them with you to the bathroom though). Any place is better than leaving them home alone.
2.Never say "it's okay, just use English" At the beginning it will be difficult to communicate, but if you start off in English, it will be very difficult to switch to your native language later. ALWAYS start with your native language. If they don't understand, speak slower, clearer and use over-the-top gestures, if that doesn't work, rephrase what you just said and keep using gestures. Still not working? Use bigger gestures, pictures and rephrase yourself again. Only use English as a last resort and never tell your exchange student its okay to use their native language or English (unless, of course, you live in an English-speaking country)
3. Talk as much as possible Often, exchange students can understand more than they can speak, especially if people talk directly to them. So, its best if you start the conversation rather than waiting for them to start it. Talk about anything: what you are doing, what your plans are, your hometown, your first boyfriend, your most embarrassing experience, your summer working at Disney World, your parents' life as rice farmers, your favorite type of toilet, the number of times you bathe in a week....the list goes on. Ask them about their home country to get them speaking. Another reason I say to take your exchange student everywhere is because you can point out culture in progress rather than describing it from the house. The more discussion topics you can think of, the better.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Annoying Questions
I know its been a very long time since I last posted, so I thought I'd start off with a funny post about the most annoying questions Indonesians ask.
1. Can I take a photo with you?
If you are white and live in Indonesia, you hear this a lot. Indonesians love to take photos. Indonesians love to interact with exotic, white foreigners. Naturally Indonesians want combine these two loves by documenting every close encounter of the Bule kind with their cameras. Imagine all the harassment of celebrity without all that pesky fame. Some days you just feel like pretending you don't speak English or Indonesian. Next time I think I will try "je ne comprend pas."
2. Where have you been in Bandung?
This question is annoyingly open-ended. I've lived in Indonesia for other six months, do they really expect me to rattle off every place I've been? Usually I just answer banyak tempat (many places) or say I've been to Tangkuban Perahu (Bandung's nearest active volcano, one of the main tourist attractions) and all of Bandung's many malls.
3. What is your favorite food in Indonesia?/What Indonesian food have you tried?
The main reason I find these questions annoying is just because I hear them whenever I meet someone knew and in every interview. It doesn't matter what setting or occasion, someone will ask that. Its usually the third question an Indonesian asks you when you meet them (right after "Where are you from?" and "How long have you been here?"). The latter question especially bothers me because its also extremely open-ended and even a little insulting: after 6 months do they assume I've only had enough Indonesian food to put on short list? I eat it everyday >:(
4. How about.....?
I've discovered a big flaw in the way Indonesians are taught English: Teachers don't distinguish that "how about...." is a follow up question and not a leading one. As a result, I'm stuck puzzling the meanings of like "How about the USA?" or "How about your mother?" HELP ME! WHAT ABOUT THEM?! I REALLY DON'T KNOW!
5. Why do like Indonesia?
Indonesians are generally up-beat, optimistic people, but occasionally you'll get a pessimistic one. These are the people who ask me this rare follow up question to "why did you choose to come to Indonesia?" There is a lot to love about this country and its frustrating to have to explain it all to someone who has experienced it all their life. Indonesia may be crowded, dirty and smelly (and a bit corrupt), but its still beautiful, has great weather, tons to do, and low crime. I wish I could say the same for Detroit...
6. Aren't you afraid of terrorists?
Ugh. Just ugh. This question, along with its buddy, "What do you think of Muslims in Indonesia," just pisses me off (sorry, that's very unprofessional for me to say). The reason Indonesians ask is because the Indian movie, My Name is Khan, is very popular here. Its a good movie, but causes some problems for an Indonesian audience made up mostly of people who haven't lived the US. Indonesians often ask me if the US is "really like My Name is Khan" and I think thats where they get the stereotype that Americans are anti-muslim. Anyway, NOT ALL AMERICANS HATE MUSLIMS! I will admit there are a few who do, but they represent a small segment of Americans, not the majority. I'd also just like to say that thinking all/most Americans hate Muslims because a small portion do is just as bad as thinking that all Muslims are terrorists because a small portion of them are.
7. Are you going to Church on Sunday?
I'm not Christian. I'm not Muslim. I'm not atheist. I'm agnostic. This one is not so much annoying as it is awkward and confusing. Indonesia is a deeply religious country, and to many Indonesians, not having a religion is just not in their paradigm*. Usually this question leads to a frustrating, broken conversation about how I don't pray, I'm not looking for a religion and neither believe in a God nor believe God doesn't exist. I just don't have the vocabulary yet to explain these things in my second language.
8. Are there beggars in the US?
Unfortunately, the US does not have all the answers and its not the pristine country its sometimes made out to be. There are people just as poor in the US as the beggars of Indonesia. I guess the only reason this question bothers me is because it shows how much Indonesians put the US on a pedestal. I wish they could see the US in a more realistic light.
9. Do you have a boyfriend?
You know this question doesn't lead anywhere nice. One of the "joys" of being a white girl in Indonesia is this question on a twice-weekly basis.
Do you have a boyfriend in Indonesia?
*facepalms* Why should this matter? I have a boyfriend and even though he lives in the US, I refuse to cheat on him in Indonesia.
Anyway. After my rant, I figure I should lighten the mood a little with some a question I wish more people would ask:
What is your favorite word in Indonesian?
Instead of the open-ended "What do you know in Bahasa," I'd love to hear this alternative.. My favorite word means "butterflies." The word for "butterfly" (singular) in Indonesian is kupu-kupu. The way you pluralize words in Indonesian is to repeat them. Can you see where this is going? The word for "butterflies" (plural) is Kupu-kupu-kupu-kupu. can you say that word 5 times without loosing count?
*Sometimes when I tell people I don't have a religion they ask me "then how do you pray?"
1. Can I take a photo with you?
If you are white and live in Indonesia, you hear this a lot. Indonesians love to take photos. Indonesians love to interact with exotic, white foreigners. Naturally Indonesians want combine these two loves by documenting every close encounter of the Bule kind with their cameras. Imagine all the harassment of celebrity without all that pesky fame. Some days you just feel like pretending you don't speak English or Indonesian. Next time I think I will try "je ne comprend pas."
2. Where have you been in Bandung?
This question is annoyingly open-ended. I've lived in Indonesia for other six months, do they really expect me to rattle off every place I've been? Usually I just answer banyak tempat (many places) or say I've been to Tangkuban Perahu (Bandung's nearest active volcano, one of the main tourist attractions) and all of Bandung's many malls.
3. What is your favorite food in Indonesia?/What Indonesian food have you tried?
The main reason I find these questions annoying is just because I hear them whenever I meet someone knew and in every interview. It doesn't matter what setting or occasion, someone will ask that. Its usually the third question an Indonesian asks you when you meet them (right after "Where are you from?" and "How long have you been here?"). The latter question especially bothers me because its also extremely open-ended and even a little insulting: after 6 months do they assume I've only had enough Indonesian food to put on short list? I eat it everyday >:(
4. How about.....?
I've discovered a big flaw in the way Indonesians are taught English: Teachers don't distinguish that "how about...." is a follow up question and not a leading one. As a result, I'm stuck puzzling the meanings of like "How about the USA?" or "How about your mother?" HELP ME! WHAT ABOUT THEM?! I REALLY DON'T KNOW!
5. Why do like Indonesia?
Indonesians are generally up-beat, optimistic people, but occasionally you'll get a pessimistic one. These are the people who ask me this rare follow up question to "why did you choose to come to Indonesia?" There is a lot to love about this country and its frustrating to have to explain it all to someone who has experienced it all their life. Indonesia may be crowded, dirty and smelly (and a bit corrupt), but its still beautiful, has great weather, tons to do, and low crime. I wish I could say the same for Detroit...
6. Aren't you afraid of terrorists?
Ugh. Just ugh. This question, along with its buddy, "What do you think of Muslims in Indonesia," just pisses me off (sorry, that's very unprofessional for me to say). The reason Indonesians ask is because the Indian movie, My Name is Khan, is very popular here. Its a good movie, but causes some problems for an Indonesian audience made up mostly of people who haven't lived the US. Indonesians often ask me if the US is "really like My Name is Khan" and I think thats where they get the stereotype that Americans are anti-muslim. Anyway, NOT ALL AMERICANS HATE MUSLIMS! I will admit there are a few who do, but they represent a small segment of Americans, not the majority. I'd also just like to say that thinking all/most Americans hate Muslims because a small portion do is just as bad as thinking that all Muslims are terrorists because a small portion of them are.
7. Are you going to Church on Sunday?
I'm not Christian. I'm not Muslim. I'm not atheist. I'm agnostic. This one is not so much annoying as it is awkward and confusing. Indonesia is a deeply religious country, and to many Indonesians, not having a religion is just not in their paradigm*. Usually this question leads to a frustrating, broken conversation about how I don't pray, I'm not looking for a religion and neither believe in a God nor believe God doesn't exist. I just don't have the vocabulary yet to explain these things in my second language.
8. Are there beggars in the US?
Unfortunately, the US does not have all the answers and its not the pristine country its sometimes made out to be. There are people just as poor in the US as the beggars of Indonesia. I guess the only reason this question bothers me is because it shows how much Indonesians put the US on a pedestal. I wish they could see the US in a more realistic light.
9. Do you have a boyfriend?
You know this question doesn't lead anywhere nice. One of the "joys" of being a white girl in Indonesia is this question on a twice-weekly basis.
Do you have a boyfriend in Indonesia?
*facepalms* Why should this matter? I have a boyfriend and even though he lives in the US, I refuse to cheat on him in Indonesia.
Anyway. After my rant, I figure I should lighten the mood a little with some a question I wish more people would ask:
What is your favorite word in Indonesian?
Instead of the open-ended "What do you know in Bahasa," I'd love to hear this alternative.. My favorite word means "butterflies." The word for "butterfly" (singular) in Indonesian is kupu-kupu. The way you pluralize words in Indonesian is to repeat them. Can you see where this is going? The word for "butterflies" (plural) is Kupu-kupu-kupu-kupu. can you say that word 5 times without loosing count?
*Sometimes when I tell people I don't have a religion they ask me "then how do you pray?"
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