Serious Stuff

Over these seven months I've been highlighting nothing but the best of an exchange year. However, like any exchange student I've talked to, I have had problems. Sometimes, I feel exchange programs aren't completely honest with future exchange students when it comes to these problems: I've often heard volunteers pigeonhole exchange students, rolling their eyes at mistakes or weaknesses of "bad" exchange students. Problems just arise for some exchange students regardless of how hard they try to be a good exchange student. They certainly did for me:

A few months ago I changed host families, ending a long string of unfortunate events: I broke up with my boyfriend, had a friend in the US die, got horrible, month-long insomnia and food poisoning out the wazoo, and lost a disturbing amount of weight. A lot of this was linked to or made worse by my mismatched placement. They were nice, but too busy and too shy. When I was homesick or grieving, they didn't really know what to do. We ended up with communication issues, I didn't feel like part of the family, but most of all I didn't feel like I was learning. Anyway, I'd like to give some advice about how to avoid problems like mine:

Understand the nature of the relationship: A host family is most like a dating relationship

1. You can't get rid of your real family, but you can break up with your host family. It may sound bad, but when you are in a bad host family you can and should get out of it for the sake of your experience. Don't worry about too much about offending them, just treat them as you would a boyfriend or girlfriend that just isn't right for you.

2. You didn't grow up with yout host fanily, you have to learn to bond with them, just like a boyfriend/girlfriend. If you don't find anything in common, you will just have to break up. It reminds me of a stereotypical reason to end a dating relationship: We just didn't have much in common.

3. Don't treat your host family like your roommates; roommates are friends, but host families and boyfriends/girlfriends are more. As a result, both host family relationships and dating relationships require a lot more effort than roommate relationships.

As a result, a the ideal relationship with a host family should follow a similar pattern: intrigue (usually when you first read about your placement) romance (when you first arrive until about 1 to 3 months in. Both parties exchange gifts and are on their best behavior for the other because they want to get along. Hopefully, a little bonding occurs) problems (around one to three months you start noticing annoying things) solutions after working through what issues you have, you get to know your host family better and vise versa. You have bonded completely, congrats on your new family).Unfortunately, mine didn't quite go that way: the intrigue and the problems were there, but the romance was pained and the solutions never really worked.

Exchange Students
1. When your exchange program interviews you, mention that you would like to be placed in a family thats not too busy and would like to travel/sightsee with you. Why? A busy family won't have the time to talk with you and teach you about their culture. You'll find yourself alone, waiting for someone to get home, but ultimately resorting to reading, watching TV or going on Facebook. However, a family that really wants to take you travelling/sightseeing is one that will make time to teach you about the country, and in a hands-on way. For me (and I think a lot of other people), homesickness comes from boredom, so how can you get too homesick if you are zipping through your host country? A family like this is especially good for a program like AFS that doesn't plan much travelling. Not to mention, long road trips are a great way to bond, swap stories, make up songs, and laugh at the dog riding a motorcycle you passed a few minutes ago. (ok well the last one might only apply to Indonesia haha)
2. Spend as little time in your room as possible. While I disagree with AFS's guidelines on the computer (an hour a week) because most exchange students have important things to do on the computer (including socializing and planning with students in your host country), I still think its important to not ignore your host family. You should take all activities (including computer work) to the living room.
3. Skype your home country when your host family is asleep but please don't wake them up. Because Skype is private, make sure you go on at a time that you aren't ignoring your family. I wake up at 4 am to Skype the US...my American friends now have some not-too-flattering, half-asleep Skype screen shots of me, but its worth it if its means I'm not ditching my host family during our weekly Glee-watching session.
4. Tell your family about everything you are doing. If you are reading a book, tell them about it. If you are crocheting a blanket, tell them about it. If you have crouching-over diarrhea and food poisoning, tell them about it (hopefully they won't feed you charcoal pills like they did me haha). Its a great way for your host family to get to know you when you may not have much in common at first. This is also a good way to use Facebook to your advantage--show them pictures of your home country and compare. Afraid to use your native language, but still don't know what to say in your host language? Just ask what the thing you are doing is called in your host language. For example, next time you are out and about and get food poisoning, ask your family "How do I say 'I think I have Salmonella and need to find a bathroom now' in your language?" It's certainly a conversation starter.
5. Thoroughly research exchange programs before choosing one. Stalk a returnee! Its easy to find former exchange students via facebook (just go to any program's facebook page and see who joined), and most will be willing to add you if you send them a message explaining that you are planning on studying abroad. Ask them about how their chapter runs, any problems they ran into, how their program handled it, and any else unique to their program. Be aware that in some programs you stay with one family for a year (AFS) and in some you change families (rotary club). Get information to decide which is best for you. You'll find a lot of strange information out this way that you won't through the program, like that Rotary Club Indonesia doesn't really check out their host families before placing students, that AFS Bandung is run by busy college students or that AFS Japan is very strict. Not to mention, you'll make friends worldwide who might let you crash with them if you ever travel to their home country.

Host families
1. Take your exchange student everywhere. take them travelling, take them around town, take them grocery shopping, take them to work (don't take them with you to the bathroom though). Any place is better than leaving them home alone.
2.Never say "it's okay, just use English" At the beginning it will be difficult to communicate, but if you start off in English, it will be very difficult to switch to your native language later. ALWAYS start with your native language. If they don't understand, speak slower, clearer and use over-the-top gestures, if that doesn't work, rephrase what you just said and keep using gestures. Still not working? Use bigger gestures, pictures and rephrase yourself again. Only use English as a last resort and never tell your exchange student its okay to use their native language or English (unless, of course, you live in an English-speaking country)
3. Talk as much as possible Often, exchange students can understand more than they can speak, especially if people talk directly to them. So, its best if you start the conversation rather than waiting for them to start it. Talk about anything: what you are doing, what your plans are, your hometown, your first boyfriend, your most embarrassing experience, your summer working at Disney World, your parents' life as rice farmers, your favorite type of toilet, the number of times you bathe in a week....the list goes on. Ask them about their home country to get them speaking. Another reason I say to take your exchange student everywhere is because you can point out culture in progress rather than describing it from the house. The more discussion topics you can think of, the better.